My friend Dave and I don’t talk about our feelings. We play pickleball. We grab tacos after. We complain about our knees.
And somehow, over the last two years, he’s become one of my closest friends.
I used to think that real friendship meant deep conversations. Sharing your innermost thoughts. Sitting across from someone and being open about your life.
Maybe that’s true for some people. But for a lot of guys, that’s not how it works. And a great article from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good magazine explains why.
Side-by-Side Is How Men Connect
Fred Rabinowitz, a psychologist at the University of Redlands, calls it “side-by-side play.” Men don’t face each other to connect. They stand next to each other and do something.
Golf. Hiking. Working on a car. Playing a video game. Going on a trip together.
The activity isn’t the point. The activity is the excuse. Rabinowitz says that if you’re playing golf with someone, you can focus on golf. But then if someone mentions a tough morning or a wife going through cancer treatment, it opens a door.
The door opens on the side. Not the front.
This is why so many men struggle when they lose their regular activities. Retirement. Moving. Pandemic lockdowns. All of these removed the activities that gave men permission to be around each other. Without the activity, the friendship collapses. Not because the bond wasn’t real. But because there was no excuse to keep showing up.
Start Small, Then Go Deeper
Rabinowitz has a strategy for this. He calls it low-risk self-disclosure. You don’t start by sharing your deepest fear. You start by telling a joke. Talking about something happening at work. Mentioning that your kid is driving you crazy.
Those small shares test the waters. If the other guy responds in kind, you go a little deeper next time. Over months, you build up to the bigger stuff. Marriages. Health. Money. The things that actually keep you up at night.
That’s exactly what happened with Dave. We started with pickleball scores. Then work complaints. Then real stuff about our families. It took a year. But it happened.
And here’s the thing. That year of small shares built trust that a deep conversation on day one never could have. If Dave had sat me down and said “Let’s talk about our marriages,” I would have been out. But after 50 pickleball games, it just came up naturally. That’s how this works for most guys.
Bromance Is Real (and It’s Good for You)
Researchers have actually studied this. Men in close male friendships report that those bonds can be more fulfilling than romantic relationships in certain ways. That’s because men feel more understood by other men when it comes to shared pressures and experiences.
The key is that close male friendship gives you someone who gets it. Someone who’s dealing with the same stuff. The data on the male friendship crisis is clear: men who have close friends live longer, have lower rates of depression, and handle stress better.
And it’s not just about having someone to talk to. The health benefits of in-person friendship are physical. Lower blood pressure. Better immune function. Reduced inflammation. Your body responds to the presence of a friend in measurable ways.
What Actually Works: Examples
Here are some real examples of side-by-side friendship that I’ve seen work:
The regular game. Poker night. Fantasy football league. Pickup basketball. Any game with a fixed schedule. You show up because the game is happening, not because you’re “trying to make friends.” The friendship is the bonus.
The project. Helping a buddy move. Fixing up a car together. Building something. Men bond through doing. If you need an excuse to see someone, ask for help with a project.
The commute buddy. Two guys who carpool to work. Or ride the same train. Or walk the same route. That daily time together adds up fast.
The workout partner. Going to the gym alone is fine. Going with someone is better. You push each other. You talk between sets. And you have built-in accountability. Friendship really is like exercise.
What You Can Do
Daniel Ellenberg, a relationship expert, puts it simply: if you want more openness in a friendship, be more open yourself. Don’t wait.
Here’s how to put that into practice:
- Pick a side-by-side activity. Anything you enjoy doing. Then invite someone to do it with you. The activity handles the awkward silences.
- Start with low-risk sharing. You don’t need to bare your soul on day one. A small complaint about your week is enough. See if they match your energy.
- Show up consistently. Weekly is better than monthly. The hours add up. And friendships are built on accumulated time. Research says 40-60 hours to become casual friends.
- Express appreciation. Tell your friend you’re glad they showed up. It sounds simple but most guys never hear it from another guy.
- Consider a structured group. Men’s groups, therapy groups, or organizations like the Mankind Project give you a built-in framework for connection.
You Don’t Need to Change Who You Are
Some guys aren’t going to have long emotional conversations. That’s fine. That’s not the only way to have a real friendship.
Stand next to someone. Do something together. Let the conversation happen on its own schedule.
That’s enough. And it might be exactly what you need.
Dave and I still play pickleball every week. We still complain about our knees. And last month he told me something about his family that he hadn’t told anyone else. That didn’t happen because I asked the right question. It happened because I showed up 100 times. And so did he.
That’s what side-by-side friendship looks like.
Source: Jill Suttie, Psy.D., Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley (March 2023)