I was about to text my friend back. Then I stopped myself. I called him instead and asked if he wanted to grab coffee.
That small decision matters more than I realized.
A researcher at the University of British Columbia just published a study of nearly 13,000 people. The finding? Seeing your friends face-to-face at least once a week was a strong predictor of better physical and mental health. Calling or texting didn’t bring the same benefits.
I read that and thought: yeah, that tracks. I don’t like Zoom meetings. I think they’re horrible. I feel so much more alive when we gather in person. It’s part of why I wrote The 2-Hour Cocktail Party. Getting people together in the same room doesn’t have to be complicated.
We’re Spending Less Time Together
The numbers are rough. In 2003, the average American spent 60 minutes per day with friends. By 2019 that dropped to 34 minutes. That’s almost half.
“In the U.S., there’s a friendship recession,” says Eric Kim, the professor who led the study.
We talk about this a lot on this site. The friendship recession is real. And part of it comes from replacing real hangouts with texts and likes and emoji reactions.
I get it. Texting is easy. A quick “thinking of you” message takes 5 seconds. But it doesn’t do what an hour over coffee does. It doesn’t give your brain the sensory information it needs to build trust. It doesn’t release the same oxytocin. And it doesn’t create the shared memories that make friendships last.
Your Nose Knows Who Your Friends Are
Here’s where it gets wild.
One reason in-person friendships work better is smell. Yes, smell. When your nose picks up someone else’s body odor, you actually pick up their emotions too.
Researchers tested this. They collected sweat from people watching happy videos. Then they had volunteers sniff the samples. The people who sniffed happy-person sweat showed facial muscle changes that suggested they felt happier too.
Jasper de Groot, the researcher behind the study, says this happens on a subconscious level. You don’t know it’s happening. But it helps you connect with the other person.
And get this. People with more sensitive noses tend to have larger circles of friends and less loneliness. Your nose is literally built for friendship.
Your Brains Sync Up When You’re Together
There’s more. When you look someone in the eyes during a conversation, your brain waves actually synchronize. Scientists call it neural synchrony. On a brain scan, your neural activity moves up and down together.
This synchrony is linked to better communication, more kindness, and better cooperation.
But here’s the catch. If you text or chat over video, the neural synchrony almost disappears. Your brains need to be in the same room.
This is why I feel so different after a good in-person hangout versus a long text conversation. The text might cover the same topics. But my brain doesn’t respond the same way. Something is missing. And now I know what it is: the physical presence of another person.
Hugs Are Medicine
A daily dose of hugs improves your stress response. It lowers inflammation markers linked to diabetes and heart disease. Friendly touch can even reduce pain through nerve fibers in your skin that respond to slow, gentle touches.
One study during COVID found that people who met friends in person had better immune system gene functioning. People who only connected online? No improvement.
You can’t hug someone through a screen. We need to put down our phones and start showing up.
For men especially, this matters. Men are less likely to receive emotional support from friends. They’re less likely to hug their friends. And they’re more likely to rely exclusively on texting. That combination is not great for health.
What Counts as “In Person”?
I want to be practical here. “See your friends face-to-face” sounds nice. But what does it actually look like for a busy adult?
It doesn’t have to be a big event. A 30-minute walk counts. Coffee before work counts. Standing in someone’s kitchen while they cook dinner counts. The research doesn’t say you need a three-hour dinner party every week. It says you need physical presence.
Even passive socializing helps. Sitting at a bar with a friend while you both watch a game. Working at the same coffee shop. Going to the gym at the same time. Men build friendships side-by-side, so doing parallel activities in the same room is a perfectly valid way to connect.
The key is frequency. Once a week minimum. Once a month is not enough to maintain the kind of friendship that impacts your health. And once a year is basically a Facebook friendship at that point.
What You Can Do
I think about how much time I spend scrolling my phone every day. If I just took 20% of that time and put it toward real relationships, my life would feel so much richer.
Here’s what works:
- Call instead of text. Even a 10-minute phone call is better than a string of messages. Your voice carries emotional information that emojis can’t replicate.
- See friends in person at least once a week. That’s the threshold the research points to. Coffee, a walk, whatever. Just be in the same room.
- Host a small gathering once a month. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Even getting 5 people together for drinks on a Tuesday night counts. Being the one who reaches out is half the battle.
- Hug your friends. I’m serious. The science is real. A hug lowers your cortisol and reduces inflammation.
- Put your phone away when you’re with people. The whole point is presence. Be there.
It’s Worth the Effort
Data from a Japanese study found that men who spent little time with their friends had a 30% higher mortality risk. That’s not a small number.
We don’t have to overcomplicate this. One meetup a month. One phone call a week. One gathering at your place. Small, consistent steps.
Your body knows the difference between a text and a hug. Start showing up.
Source: Marta Zaraska, The Washington Post (May 2024)